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ThwangtwanglerThwangtwangler is a traditional English pub game.

Records are unclear as to when it was first invented, but the earliest references to a game called Schwinge-Schwenglere can be found in the late 7th century writings of the Northumbrian monk chronicler, The Venerable Bede.

He writes of it being played by the monks of the Monastery of St. Peter, usually between Vespers and Compline, as a way of filling in time between illustrating the holy texts for which the monastery is famed, and the bouts of confused, sobbing, guilty masturbation the monks often indulged in after lights out.

The first written records of the game under the name Thwangtwangler are found in Geoffrey Chaucer’s The Canterbury Tales, the magnum opus of the 14th century Middle-English author, most often used to torture A-level English Literature students with its near totally fucking impenetrable language and idiom.

It is here, in The Miller’s Tale, that we find the first ever reference to the rules of the game. These were adopted in 1538, in the original Middle-English, by TWAT (The Worldwide Association of Thwangtwangler), and the rules remain the same to this day.

Their totally indecipherable nature has also been a significant factor in leading to the game becoming the perfect pub pastime, as being completely wankered is the only way in which any of them can be interpreted remotely sensibly.

They can be found in full below:

Whan shalle thou partayke of Thwangtwangler, rooles thusly shalle be applyede.

Roole 1: Pleyrs mayst bee muchly, nay, prodigiouslye “fayced”, fore theyst proceede.

Roole 2: Roole wun mayst not bee lookede over. Ever. Thou SHALT bee thoroughly spannerede. For wherfoer else bringeth thou out to Ye Olde Pustulente Bubos for many a flagon of Foamyng Olde Tobie’s Hedfuckeh? Srsly doode.

Roole 3: Erste thou pon Roole 3 withoust beein “fayced” sufficientlee, thoust shalt bee deemed “ye cunte of ye twighlylight hours”. Thou erste duly unwelcomm-ed and shoulde vaycayte the pub forthwith. Begonne lyghtwayte.

Roole 4: Begyneth wyth wun Thwangbolloke. Playceth sayde Thwangbolloke into ye Twanglerknobbe.

Roole 5: Draw back ye Twanglerknobbe. Thou mayst decyde thyselfe ye extente of Twanglerknobbe extenshun. Tis a matter of thine prepherense personale, entyrelee.

Roole 6: Releasethe ye Twanglerknobbe, therbye ejectynge ye Thwangbolloke into ye area of playinge.

Roole 7: Watcheth thou closelee as shit happenetheth.

Roole 8: Repeateth until ye stokke of Thwangbollokes be spenteth fully.

Roole 9: Spendeth ye followinge three bells of ye clocke in heated arguementationeth aboute what actuallye hath come to pass.

Roole 10: Tell thine opponente at grayte lengthe that he mayeth be thine besteth mayte, thou meaneste it, thou dost fuckyng loveth him, thou and him agaynste ye fuckynge world.

Roole 10: Either a) falleth sleepwyse faycefirste into a poole of thine own vomitous outpooringes, or b) falleth sleepwyse faycefirste into a poole of thine opponentes vomitous outpooringes.